She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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