I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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