I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Randomize