The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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