Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize