How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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