Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
