My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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