hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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