were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
