Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
