I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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