we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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