I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
