My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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