Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize