You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
