I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
