dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
