Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
