Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
