They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
