Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
