We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
