watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
