I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
