By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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