Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
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