if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I party with great urgency now.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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