i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
