I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
