overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
