I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
