my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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