I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Porn is love you can see.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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