New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
