Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
