I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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