you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Watching her eat just hurts me
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
