Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
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