I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
