Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
