I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
