No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize