phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
