it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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