I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Randomize