the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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