if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
