I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Michael Bay diarrhea
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
