mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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