Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
