My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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