It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i just had sex bonerless
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
