I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
