You think ghandi was good in the sack? cuz i sure do.
I'm not gay.
Soooo you want ghandi? is that what your telling me?
If ghandi gives good head...I'm in
Its fine.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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