he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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