We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
