I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I just forgot I was standing up.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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