uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I yelled at your uterus for you.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
