i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
it's like iHOP with fire
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
