Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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