the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
