I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
