I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
